Saturday, January 8, 2011

Crisis of Confidence

There are days when I feel that I cannot keep moving forward. Days when I look at my body and cannot truly believe that I can ever reverse the damage I've done to myself. Today was one of those days.

As I undressed this afternoon to get into the shower I caught my naked reflection in the mirror. This led to the half an hour of pulling, pushing, lifting and searching of my body that I go through from time to time. My inner thighs are starting to wrinkle and sag. I lifted my arms and and noticed that they are getting tight and strong on the top.... but I still have the flab that hangs down from them. It's getting wrinkly and sagging too. I ran my hands over my stomach and sucked it in. Turning a little from side to side I was trying to predict how I will look once my belly started to shrink. Somehow I had more rolls instead of less.

These are the days I wonder what I'm doing to myself.... or what have I done to myself. I wonder if I have done damage so irreparable that no amount of working out and lifting weights will ever give me a "normal" body. Will the rolls and the hanging skin ever really go away? Or will I look like a weird and twisted woman with elephant skin?

At this point I start to question if I should even keep going. I am busting my ass... for what? If I am going to look like more of a freak when I'm done than when I did when I was 315 pounds, then what is the point of it all? Aren't I trying to feel better about myself with this, not worse? If I get to my goal weight and still have this massive amount of skin hanging from my body, will it all have been worth it?

When this happens... I take a deep breath and remember that I am doing this for my health above all else. I need to be around for my family. They will love me, loose skin or none. I don't want to have to take handfuls of medication just to survive. And if I keep going down the road I was on that would be a reality sooner rather than later.

A crisis of confidence, I believe, is normal. It's simply a matter of dealing with the emotions as they come on and accepting that not every day is going to be all unicorns and rainbows. There will be days that are hard to get through. Days when you want to quit it all. Days where you want to eat whatever the hell you want, health be damned! On these days, allow yourself your humanity. But just keep on moving.

I don't know what I will look like when this is all over. All my fears could be realized... or they may not. I could either live my life unhealthy, in fear of the possibilities, and die too young. Or I can work at this and see what happens. I think I will choose the latter. What will you choose?

No comments:

Post a Comment